Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
My life is pants optional.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
