I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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