the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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