Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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