Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
