i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
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