well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
