I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
