I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
