No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
