My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
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