He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
No subtext here. People are naked.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
