We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
