My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
