If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
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