so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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