dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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