i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
