She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
