I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
