Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I just found puke in my bra..
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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