I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
