Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
