my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I don't deserve a penis
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
