my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
