My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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