i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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