i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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