like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
