This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
