did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
