No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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