those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
