He asked to "fluff my boner.."
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
