so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
