if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
