Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
