At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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