WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
