WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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