You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
