I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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