I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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