i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
