i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
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