they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
