You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
