my vag is so smooth its legendary
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
