just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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