No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
