I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
