direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
